I really wish...

I hadn't deleted all my old posts on this thing...or thrown away pages of my journal...kind of defeats the point of logging your life right?
Oh well, live and learn...for right now its just kind of nice to actually be writing again. A place to vent outside of life...
and hopefully, no one out there is actually sitting down and reading any of this crap, er and if you are, I apologize for rotting your brain with my pointless posts. *shrugs* Maybe once I get back into the groove of blogging I'll write something more "profound"

Any who,
Today was another decent day, an easy day. I should have spent my afternoon working on my projects for school but instead I spent my time doing...well i'm not quite sure now that I think about it...oh!
That's right.
Basic run down.

Woke up after only 6 hours of sleep
Took Kiwi for a walk
Had a nice chat with "Ma Coeur"
Reorganized my Iphone and music
Finished my photography project
Made katsu for "Le Bleu" and myself
Went to work, had another awesome sales day...
Then had a not so awesome chat with Le Bleu...

It seems his life is taking a major shit on him, and there's not much I can do to help. If things continue the way they're going, He'll end up back in Colorado...just 5 months short of graduating culinary school...now Le Bleu and I haven't spent much time together outside of work, but the few encounters we have had have been more then enjoyable, and I must admit the thought of him packing up and leaving breaks my heart more than a little :/

I just...I don't know, "friends" have been dropping like flies lately, and I hate, HATE HATE HATE, the fact that anyone I have any real attachment to, seems to leave, or lives in a different state. I mean sure we still talk and visit when we can, but its not the same. I can't call them after work to meet for dinner or to have a drink...Its a trend in my life that started at an extremely early age and I'm over it...

Today was...

One of those rare days where everything was awesome.
It all started with a brief but sweet phone call on my way to work. When I arrived at the parking garage I managed to land a freakin sweet parking spot...from there it progressed to an awesome day at work where my sales were easy and of large sums. I was let out an hour early due to it being slow, which meant more time with Jen on our dinner date <3
I ordered a Thai tea and it arrived with a crazy straw...and,to me, that was like the icing on the cake (only better...more like cream cheese frosting.)
It made me remember that it's the small things in life that are worth smiling about...

I traced my hands along the scaled path, and pressed my lips to silent words...
Je t'aime...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Da battre, ma coeur va s'arrete

Have you ever had moments in your life that haven't felt real?
Events or situations that you're aware of, but for some reason theres a disconnect, and days, weeks, or months later it finally hits you...hard.
Thats how this how my life has been..
One giant theatrical event that hasn't been digested.

The ugly stuff...
The "divorce"
The last memories I have of my sister...before she killed herself.
The falling out of a 14 year friendship...

The good stuff...
Getting back to school full time for graphic design.
Kiwi! My pomeranian.
Being hired at Juicy Couture
and those 3 days that I will keep in my heart forever...

Its been very bipolar since Oct 2010...and i'm still not sure how I should feel.
My heart is aching for so many reasons, I'm feeling a bit lost, a little run down, and more than broken...

I've started searching for an apartment,due to an overwhelming desire to just be alone. No roommates, no boy, just Kiwi and I...so I can work, focus on school, and do some much needed soul searching. Without the distractions or influences of others. I think its about time to be truely "on my own"
I guess...I'll figure something out...

in less then 3 hours....

Ah yesterday, another glorious day full of suck.
Before my break I had.
24+ calls (the average for a normal day is 30 total)
no mind you those are just calls you actually dispatch. Not to mention all the other call you deal with, like lost and found crap, wrong numbers, explaining where the fucking pillows ares for the 4738979347972 time even though there are instructions....
Anywho...24+ calls
Yelled at by a house keeper
hung up on
Insulted by 2 guests
and my ass cramped up woo!
I keep telling my self to be patient.
I'll live, I'll transfer, and things will get better.
Maybe I'll actually see the people I know, and like.
Maybe I'll actually get to see DJ out side of sleeping.
I find myself staring after crazy teens.
With their crazy hair and "abnormal" clothes.
I miss being able to express myself in that way.
For one, it kept unwanted attention away.
Especially of the male variety.
Every time a male, other then DJ, calls me beautiful,pretty, or sexy, or wtf ever,
It makes me sick, and uneasy. I don't want them looking at me.
I don't like looking approachable.
Of course people have always gravitated towards me.
I don't know why, I should really just get over it.
I'll never be left alone when I want to be,
and I'll never have anyone around when I don't want to be.
On the brighter side. A friend at work bought me two more Full Moon volumes.
Hurray! And I found a t-shirt I've been wanting for almost a year now. I got it for 5 bucks, perfect condition.
I finally scheduled a massage session. He doesn't do deep tissue *tear* but said he'd be more then happy to apply firm pressure to his swedish technique. Hurray!I'm looking forward to sleeping without this horrid horrid pain.
I need to get my taxes done, so I can purchase a car.
There are tons of cars thats I've always wanted for sale...ALL the time.
Usually by little old ladies who didn't know what they have.
I'm debating between an MR2 or just sticking it out and waiting for an NX.
I have time to think about it.
I can't wait to get a car so I can gtfo out of this warped bubble world I live in.
Sept needs to get here now. Yay Paris.

(no subject)

If your voice always falls on deaf ears whats the point of speaking up?
Fighting the inturuptions of the world just doesn't seem worth it.
Perhaps I will refuse to speak for a whole year, that might be fun.

And so...

Ah life...and here we are again, only 22. Still drifting along in an oblivious state of life. Lost in the crowds of fake faces. Smiling smiles that don't belong to me. Finding it harder to play polite. I often wish I could sit with the caged bird and ask him why he sings. I would like to know. So much has changed and yet so much remains the same. I blame myself and no one else. I am responsible for my own life, my own dreams, why do I continue to neglect them?
I find my self digging deeper into a world of complications, trying to read a language I can barely grasp. I'm looking for something, though Im never sure what. Myself perhaps? That bright shiny thing that seems to get locked away so often. I'm afraid of so much, and tired of acting fearless. I tried, and now I'm exhausted, too tired to regenerate myself. I don't want to look past these walls, yet I crave nothing more then to taste that warmth again. I refuse to go back, but I'm losing sight of what it was I had done before. Left from right, my obligations are to myself only, that was my promise of 07, and I was happy, I was alive, I was expressive and free.
I don't want to be alone, I never want to feel empty again, I never want to drink from anything less then one's soul, but I'm trapped. I'm homeless and agitated, scratching at the confinements of my own mind. My sick fucked up mind. It will never let me rest, never let me settle. Don't let me crack, don't let me break, don't let me look back. Eyes forward, deep breathes, focus, relax, it will be ok. You're ok. You'll survive, you'll be stronger in the end. This is far from the worst.